Nobody knows the exact formula for having a perfect marriage. If people did, the divorce rate wouldn’t be where it is now. While there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, there are ways to build and maintain a healthy one.
A healthy marriage isn’t a perfect marriage. Just like health, it always fluctuations, and what you put into your body, whether good or bad, will ultimately affect certain aspects of your health. So what you pour into your marriage, good or bad, will also see its effects.
There are times when things are good and times when it’s not so good. And that’s NORMAL & OKAY! Everyone goes through highs and lows. But, even the most “perfect” and healthy marriages have moments where it’s not so great.
The thing is to create a solid foundation and build your marriage. While this blog post isn’t going to tell you every little thing you need to build your marriage, these are things that I have discovered and have helped me build a solid foundation in my marriage. I want to shed some light on these areas because I think it’s vital. It can either break or make a marriage!
How to Build & Maintain a Healthy Marriage
Don’t talk negatively about your spouse in front of others.
The biggest mistake is talking negatively about your significant other in front of family, friends, kids, or anybody really. Whether it’s behind their back or in their presence, this is a big no-no. If there is something your significant other does that bothers you airing it out to others to make them “change” will not work! It will only make the foundation you have built start cracking.
Nobody needs to know the negative qualities or stories about your spouse, especially if something was said in confidence. Talking negatively about your significant other, especially in their presence, can impact their confidence and trust in you, harbor resentment, and hinder their love for you.
Don’t allow others to talk badly about your spouse
As you shouldn’t talk negatively about your spouse, you also shouldn’t allow others to speak badly about them. At the end of the day, your significant other is your best friend. Just like you would defend a friend from ill gossip, you should also defend your significant other from the comments people can and will say. You don’t have to start throwing hands or back talking, but a simple ” I don’t appreciate you talking about my spouse” goes a long way.
There is a huge difference between friends/family picking at each other and friends/family who say negative comments. So often, when negative comments are thrown out there, they are covered with a laugh to make it seem playful, but it’s during these times when you should sit back and let them laugh by themselves. I guarantee you they will feel more uncomfortable than you are.
I went through a period when my dad would comment to me or in front of others about my spouse. For example, when my husband would be working, and I would go eat by myself with my dad or family, he would instantly ask if my husband was sleeping or just sitting around doing nothing, implying that he was lazy, which is far from the truth. Anytime my dad would say something like that in my husband’s presence, my husband would look at me like, what the heck?
So I knew that I had to say something. Anytime someone would say any sort of comment like that, I would instantly hit back with a compliment to my husband. So I would say something along the lines of “he can outwork anyone at the table,” or simply, “no, he’s working.” Slowly but surely, I’ve never heard another statement as such.
Learn each other’s love language
Learning your significant other’s love language is a game changer. Often we express and show love to others the way we would like to be shown, love. But everyone has a different love language. You can pour into them how you want to be loved, but all those efforts might be hopeless. You won’t be fulfilling their love tank.
While everyone requires a little bit of the 5 love languages, there is always one primary love language that fills them with love. You can both take a simple online love language quiz and then start reading blog posts or watching videos related to your results.
Create time for each other
Just as you created time for each other in your getting-to-know-each-other or dating phase, you need to continue doing that in your marriage. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean that you suddenly need to stop making time for each other.
When you quit creating time for each other, you might start to experience feeling and being distant, feeling unloved, lack of intimacy and authentic connection. But even 15 minutes of undivided attention a day can fix all of these emotions. Your marriage should be the top priority. When something is the top priority, you move other things around to make time and accommodate it.
Be Intimate With Each Other
While having sex brings two people in marriage closer, it’s not the only way to be intimate. Some might feel a more profound sense of intimacy by sitting together and having a meaningful conversation than by having sex three times a day. However, if sex is one of the top ways you feel intimate and connected, then make sure you prioritize this time with each other.
Discover ways in your marriage that ignites that intimacy between the two of you other than sex.
Continue Living in “The Honeymoon Phase”
The honeymoon phase can be categorized as the first few years that you are dating or married. It’s a phase where you feel happy and intimate, and overall, you have fun in your relationship. While yes, the honeymoon phase does fade away, it doesn’t mean you can’t get these feelings back.
There are many ways to reignite that feeling you felt during your honeymoon phase. Now it’s time to think… What did you do consistently during your honeymoon phase? What made it so fun? If you feel like you are no longer in a honeymoon phase… What will ignite these feelings again? What can you do to bring you and your partner closer together? What’s a new thing you both can do?
Ignore the “You Just Wait Until…”
Ignore the “You Just Wait Until…” This might be more of a personal thing, but I deeply despise the “ooh, your marriage is good… you just wait until you have kids.” “Oooh, you’re still in the honeymoon phase just wait until…” I was constantly feeling anxious, thinking that my marriage wasn’t going to survive after the honeymoon phase or when we started having children. I thought that marriage would be boring and go downhill after the “you just wait” from people.
Reason one why I say you should ignore it is because there’s a term called Self-Fufilling Prophecy in Psychology.
“A self-fulfilling prophecy is a belief or expectation that an individual hold about a future event that manifests because the individual holds it.” – Positive Psychology.
Basically, when you hold one of these “you just wait until,” which are usually negative comments close to heart, you’re more than likely going to fulfill whatever statement was said.
Reason number two your marriage is different than theirs. Just because they experienced their marriage going downhill or becoming boring doesn’t mean you will experience the same.
Conclusion: Building & Maintaining a Healthy Marriage
Nobody has the perfect formula for creating or having the perfect marriage, so don’t expect your marriage to be perfect. Instead, focus on having a healthy marriage. Understand that there are many things you can do to build and maintain a great marriage. It takes time and effort to do. Just like building a house takes time and requires maintenance, so does a marriage.
